as i sit here on this calm sunday night, after a somewhat typical weekend - cleaning, working on projects before the baby comes, and hanging out with cory - i am trying my very best not to fall completely over the edge and lose my sanity.
general conference this time around seems to have effected me more than it has in the past. almost every single talk, in all 4 sessions, seem to have been directed to me and what i needed to hear.
i've noticed recently that i think i've put on my "motherly glasses" and suddenly view the world as a much scarier place than i ever have before. i find my mind wandering thinking about everything from politics, the country's finances, my family's finances, to my spritual well-being. i'm starting to feel like no matter what aspect of life it is, i'm falling up short.
I find myself wondering - how do you become the mom that you've always wanted to be? how do you teach your child right from wrong? how do you teach them to choose the right - even when it's the hardest choice? how do you teach them everything they need to know about our savior and help them build a testimony strong enough to pull them through all the terrible things in the world? how do you teach your child to budget and spend according to income rather than just because they want something? am i ready to be the one that this little boy looks to for answers to all of lifes scary questions? how do i keep skanky girls away from him? how do i protect him from bullies and people who will try to persuade him to do bad things? how do i be the "cool mom" that he's not completely embarrased of while still enforcing rules and discipline?
It's incredibly overwhelming to me.......
I keep hoping the "motherhood handbook" will be coming in the mail any day now, but I haven't seen it yet. I mean, how do moms know everything that they know? I know it's a little late to wonder about these things - considering he'll be here within the next two weeks, but how am i going to keep it together and be everything this little guy needs in his life?
Seriously, my worrying has become such a problem that cory has banned me fromt he news. no talk radio, no reading the news on the internet or watching it on tv. i'm starting to feel incredibly out of the loop, but i'm already noticing a lower stress level. ha
I guess the easiest thing to do is take it day by day and hope for the best.....
I just have to say that i am SO lucky to have such an incredible and supportive husband who knows me in every way possible. he knows what triggers my panic attacks and does everything in his power to make me avoid those triggers :) he is not a man of many emotions, and he is defintiely not a man of many words. he is goofy and totally nerdy - loving video games, computer games and comic books. And yet, he is protective and caring and total softy. i think it is finally sinking in that we really are going to have a new baby in the house - and i finally have gotten to see his really protective side! he is so sutble and quiet in the ways he shows his concern and love for those around him, and it really is my favorite thing when i can pick up on it. he is the greatest man for me. i could have never dreamed for anyone better to have as my support, best friend, dad of our baby, and my eternal companion.
he is the one that pushes me through this day to day mess i conjur up for myself. he is my grounding force and the love of my life. i am so lucky to be able to call him mine.